Voodoo Warrior's Holiday Flight Time Travel Tips

Now, say that 3 times really fast, and make sure you pronounce it TIPS - not something else ....

I write this as I sit in yet another airport waiting on yet another plane on yet another business trip. While on my first flight of the day, I happened to think of what a valuable service I could provide by pointing out things you should and should not do if you are planning on flying this holiday season - or anytime in the future for that matter - if you don't want to piss your fellow passengers off.

First and Foremost - Be Cognizant of Smell

1) Please refrain from eating large portions of garlic the day before you fly. Trust me, Everyone within 20 feet of you in the airport and on the airplane will know what you ate. Garlic oozes from the pores the day after ingestion - it is very noticable.

2) No matter how much perfume/cologne you use, you cannot hide the fact that you do not use deodorant.

3) When it comes to perfume and cologne in general, less is better. No one wants to sit next to someone who has doused themselves with enough stink water to choke a skunk.

4) If you smoke, IT IS NOT ok to smoke 20 cigarrettes just before you enter the airport. Your clothes retain about 50% of the smoke your lungs expel - and all of those around you will pay for it.

Air Expands at Altitude (Related to Smell, above)

1) As you increase altitude, the air pressure outside your body decreases. This means the air inside your body gains volume. You know that bloated feeling you get during a flight? That's all the gas in your innards expanding and telling you its time for it to get out. If you are prone to being gassy on the ground, you will be much more gassy at altitude. I suggest taking a Gas-X or Beano about 30 minutes prior to flight time to avoid this discomfort, and the ugly stares you receive when you let the expanding gasses out into the cabin.

2) Related to 1) above, do not drink sodas or other carbonated drinks before you get on the airplane. It just compounds the gas quantity problem.

3) No matter how cheeky you think you are when shifting in the seat to cover an expulsion of gas, those around you know the truth. About 15 seconds after your shift, it will be abundantly clear to them ....

4) Try not to eat foods that produce large volumes of gas, or do nasty things to your insides, the day before and day of flight. Those around you will appreciate not being overcome by the after affects of a large bowl of chili with beans.

The Crew is not there to service you. The cockpit crew and flight attendants are there to (in order of importance):

1) The safety of the aircraft

2) The safety of the passengers (why is this second - if #1 is skipped, #2 is irrelevant)

99) Providing service to the passengers

Infants and Toddlers are not cute little miracles when they belong to someone else on a plane.

1) If your kid doesn't know about equalizing ear pressure as the plane climbs and descends, it is imperative that you, as parent, provide something for the kid to chew on. If gum is age appropriate, that's fine. If a pacifier is more applicable to their age, or a bottle, go for it. If they are younger than that, mom's natural pacifier is certainly doable. In any case, give them something to get their ears to pop, to relieve their agony, and our agony at having to listen to them.

2) If your kid is sick, especially of a stomach or intestinal variety, DO NOT get on the airplane. Sitting next to a kid who's just vomited all over you at the beginning of a 3 hour flight is enough to drive one insane (this actually happened to me - the mother didn't even apologize).

3) If you have to change a diaper, for God's sake go to the bathroom. It is not acceptable to do it in the seat next to another passenger.

Carryon Food is not always acceptable. You can't get anything to eat on flights anymore, unless you want to overpay for some dried out crap in a paper sack. If you wish to buy some food to consume on the flight, consider these points:

1) Smell (related to smell, above). Don't buy anything that has strong odors. Ceasar salads, seafood, anything with large amounts of garlic or Italian dressing. Your seat neighbors will thank you for not turning their stomachs over.

2) Size - don't buy anything that requires you to spread out over 3 seats to eat. Large sized pizzas, for instance, are a no-no.

3) Quantity - You don't have to have a four course meal on a 2 hour flight. Eat something in the airport before you get on the plane, or wait until you land.

Don't be a Chatty Cathy;

1) It is OK to say hello to those around you on the plane when you sit down. It is OK to be polite to them. It is generally NOT OK to give them your life's history.

2) Very few people want to have conversations with their neighbors from wheels up to touch down. If you are prone to talking a lot, and all you get form your neighbors are one word answers, take the hint and leave them alone.

3) If you are in a group, do not use the flight as a head start on your visiting - especially if alcohol has been consumed. Few things are more annoying than having people spread over several aisles yelling at each other about how much fun they are going to have when they get to wherever they are going.

4) If it is an early or late flight, please keep your mouth shut. It's bad enough trying to catch a nap in a narrow chair that is as comfortable as a wooden bench, without having to try and ignore someone's useless conversation a couple of aisles away.

Everything listed above has been seen by myself in person. The arrogance and ignorance of the flying public when it comes to common sense manners is unbelievable. If you're going to fly, please have pity on your fellow passengers - once the door closes, they can't get away from you! The life you save may be your own!